Use Windex

One of the biggest things that I have learned as a parent is how to be creative. Every parent wants smart kids, but sometimes we realize that smart is not always a good thing. Ally, came into this world with her mind made up. She was my first lesson in "challenge." I attended 'creative thinking university' for several years and really felt that I had learned everything I needed to know about negotiating with kids. Then Jacob was born, and what a whole new curriculum it was!

When Jacob was about 4 years old, he decided that he no longer wanted to sleep in his room because he was afraid of monsters. Most parenting doctrines advice you not to deny the existence of monsters-- even though they are not 'for real.' Okay, so we had to play along and talk about the monsters in his room. We had some tough and sleepless nights. He would wake up a couple of times and end up in my room. A couple of years ago, I read about monster spray. We never had to use this for Ally, but I thought it might help me someday and so I kept it in the back of my mind for future use. And what a savior it was when we had to deal with Jacob's monsters. All we needed was a special formula in a spray bottle, to spray the monsters away at night. And what more convincing formula exists than the magic blue color of Windex! The movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, came to mind as I got the Windex from the hallway closet. The dad in the movie believed that Windex fixed everything. Whenever anyone has an ailment, put some Windex on it!

I wonder if he knew that Windex also doubled as a monster spray?

For many nights, we would do our routine: Spray a couple of squirts of Windex- a/k/a Monster Spray" (can you hear that big booming voice announcing Monster Spray?) just before bed. This would keep the monsters away and let Jacob- and us- have a peaceful night's sleep. Now there were times when extra sprays of Monster Spray were needed in the middle of the night, but that was okay. Jacob was convinced of the mystical power of the blue stuff and we were back to bed in a couple of minutes.

Life was okay again, saved by Windex and a lot of made up stories about its potent use in saving all the kids of the world from being devoured by monsters just lurking in their rooms, waiting for the perfect opportunity to clench their nasty teeth around their pretty little necks. The drawback was that we were afraid that the secret would be revealed. We had to make sure that Jacob was out of sight when we cleaned our windows and mirrors. No longer was anyone permitted to call that bottle of blue stuff "Windex"-- though shalt not utter the "W" word, ever!

Jacob, could not, for any reason, see us using Monster Spray to clean the windows! Guard the secret of the blue stuff. Your good night's sleep depended on it!

One day I was startled by Jacob as I was trying to establish a streak-free surface on one of our mirrors.

Whoa, kid, I didn't see you there, what are you doing here? Quick, think of a way to distract him to keep him from noticing the Monster Spray in my hand.

Despite my greatest efforts, Jacob noticed the spray bottle. He interrogated me- what are you doing with the Monster Spray? Why are you using it to clean the mirror? I forgot what I even told him, but I was able to lie myself out of it. Whew! Safe!

And that's how it was for us for a couple of months. We cleaned our mirrors and windows in stealth mode, always on the lookout for Jacob. Things eventually did get better, the monsters were eventually driven away from all the spraying. We never heard about talks in the neighborhood but we're pretty sure that at least a couple of people must have seen us through the window at night, spraying Windex in the air. We hear about crazy stuff going on in other people's houses, people talk, the juicier the scoop the better. We may have very well been the topic of conversation at a neighbor's picnic.

What the crap is going on at 13 Shawnee Lane? Did you know that they use Windex as air fresheners? Their kids are weird, but the parents are even weirder.

Once in a while, Jacob would still request it, though. About a week ago, Jacob asked me if we still had our monster spray, he needed his room sprayed because he was thinking about monsters again. I realized that he still really believed in the legend of the blue stuff. Wow, he is so convinced that scary, children-eating monsters could really be sprayed away with some convincing colored liquid, that I probably didn't even need to worry all that time about him seeing me clean with the stuff.

This blog post is my homage to the almighty and all powerful Windex. It was a big part of the many different things we've made up to trick Jacob into letting us live a little bit of a normal life throughout the years. Get a streak-free shine and have those pesky monsters in your room-- begone!